Cinderella Was a Liar

 Any woman who has ever bronzed her skin with tanning cream or found herself in a situation that required a little more confidence than she had on hand knows there are times when going faux can prove the preferred method. But should any woman — married, divorced or otherwise — be faking pleasure? We’re not so sure.

While our male counterparts are rarely keen to admit the women they pleasure might not be pleased at all, the reality is that more than half of women in relationships aren’t being 100 percent truthful between the sheets. So, why scream and wiggle instead of letting your guy know how to turn you on properly? The answer is not as simple as you might think.

The most recent Orgasm Study (yes, you read that correctly) estimates that 72 percent of women have duped their partners at least once in their relationship. A separate study suggests that women in their 20’s and 40’s are more likely to fake pleasure than those in their 30’s due to the early 30’s being the peak of sexual responsiveness. While 55 of men claim they can tell when their gal is putting them on, some women aren’t so sure. “There’s not anything a woman can’t pull off well. Men think they know what’s going on with us but they have no idea-especially when it comes to whether or not they are turning us on. They think porn stars are getting off for goodness sakes!” says Hanna, 31.               

Why We Do It
Whether she’s embarrassed, frustrated, tired or simply doesn’t want to hurt her partners feelings, the reasons a woman might go faux are varied but most of them boil down to please her partner. “I only fake it occasionally when it’s just not going to happen for whatever reason maybe it’s a lack of sleep, stress from work, far too drunk  or something similar but I see that he’s doing everything else right and trying really hard,” says Yasmine, 29. Some women think it comes down to women not feeling comfortable sharing their needs and desires in relationships, especially when it comes down to sexuality.

“I think as women many of us are brought up to accept what we’re given and not to talk about sex, our desires or what we want. I’ve personally never felt comfortable talking to my mother, older sister or friends about sex. Therefore, it’s something I’ve explored in isolation by reading books, etc. I feel men talk about their sexual needs and desires with other men more easily. It’s a way for them to bond,” says Farrah, 31. 

We live in a society that glorifies porn star sex and bends itself to the male ideal of sexuality. Women are told they need to be hot and ready, sexy, youthful, intelligent, supportive, independent-yet-submissive and completely satisfied with her man at all times in order to be desired and even loveable. “How’s it supposed to be?  ‘Mother Theresa in the nursery, Martha in the kitchen and Madonna (the singer) in the bedroom?” asks Yasmine.

This pressure to satisfy not only her partner-but his ego as well-becomes more intense when porn enters the picture.  With various studies reporting that 40-50 million people visit pornography sites “regularly” in the United States alone, it seems to be a principal player in the sex lives of numerous couples. This can have a woman feeling as though she needs to “put on a show” to compete with the women in the videos.
 
When a man regularly views women giving over-the-top performances that are entirely about female submission and male satisfaction, it can warp his idea of sexuality and his understanding about what pleases a woman. Many women who have tried to have sexually satisfying relationships with partners who use pornography find themselves being rejected in place of videos. “My husband has been so brainwashed by those movies that he actually seems to prefer them over real sex with me so it’s fake it and go crazy like the women in the movies or get no sexual attention at all,” says Patty*, 35.

Want to make certain you get yours? Here are some tips to help.

1. Practice on Your Own.
Masturbation is one of those words that can leave the most mature, intelligent and worldly woman blushing like schoolgirl looking at a topless photo of Johnny Depp. Self love can be difficult for women on all levels, especially sexually. Getting to know yourself intimately can be a yummy experience as long as you allow yourself to explore what turns you on and brings you pleasure (and what doesn’t) without judgment or shame. Make your solo time an experience by lighting candles or reading an erotic book or romance novel (available at your local bookstore or, if you’re a bit shy, through the anonymity of Amazon.com). If you are a woman turned on by pornography, don’t be ashamed to look at it and  if laying back and fantasizing about ole Johnny does it, feel free to live out your own pirate fantasy.

2. Relax, It’s Not a Competition.
Yes, orgasms are wonderful but approaching the desire to climax as though you’re being rated or as a way to prove your sensuality is a one-way ticket to bummer-ville.

3. Remember, “C” before “O”.
Most women cannot orgasm by way of penetration alone. The clitoris is the female equivalent of a penis and, just like the penis and it often takes a little stroking and attention in order to get things moving in the right direction.

4. Tell Your Partner What You Want (in a Sexy Way).
Whether it’s more oral sex, romance or caressing your back or breasts, whisper things you’d love for him to do for you in his ear. Many men get turned on by their mates verbally expressing what they love and he’ll also appreciate how into the act you are. The key is not to criticize him or dictate like a drill sergeant. Think, “I love it when you __________ my ________” and not, “Not that way, put your ______ here!”

5. Do Something Sensual For Yourself Every Day.
Whether you lighting candles, have a glass of wine and listen to your favorite love songs or jump into a hot, steamy shower after an endorphin-releasing run, there are dozens of ways to get to know the more sensual side of yourself,  know yourself on a sensual level. It’s hard to enjoy sex when you don’t see yourself in a sexual way.

6. Give Your Body a Little Boost.
In 2008 Durex performed a Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey of more than 26,000 respondents worldwide. The results showed that a mere 32 percent of women regularly achieve orgasm. The company introduced Utopia, a female arousal gel made of a proprietary blend of ingredients that helps increase sensitivity to the areas it is applied.

Brenda Della Casa is an internationally published journalist and the author of Cinderella Was a Liar. She spent eight years as a casting professional for a variety of major reality television shows.

What kind of love are you giving?

There’s a big difference between sex and intimacy.

Organize a Group Trip: A weekend at the beach, a ski lodge, a vineyard–whatever.  Have everyone invite  a friend and spend the weekend doing something fresh and new with old and new friends.

Throw a Potluck: Pick a theme and have everyone come over to your place for dinner and a movie or board games.

Do Something New:  Sign up for a marathon, take an art history class, go on a reteat or enroll in a drama class.

A) On a Secluded Beach

B) In the Lincoln Bedroom

C) In the middle of  Times Square

D) On a Roller Coaster

E) In The Ocean

F) On an Airplane

G) On a Blanket, Under a Tree

Spring flings and Summer dumping are standard in the dating world and a new study might explain why.  Men seem to rate women as more attractive in the Winter while raising their standards to much higher levels in the warmer months. 

Experts at Poland’s University of Wroclaw held a study in which male participants were asked to rate the attractiveness of women (including their breasts and faces) and the psychologist’s found that men were more generous with praise when not faced with the opportunity to see barely-there outfits on an abundance of women.

Do you think females are the same way?

 Anyone who has ever found themselves charmed by an attractive stranger (even while still madly in love with their partner) knows that monogamy is a choice. In fact, that is one of the things that makes it so special, you are choosing to stay true to the one you love, despite the temptation of another and, if you are like most living, breathing, sexual men and women, there will be temptation.  

The idea that loving another shuts down the attraction plants inside our bodies is romantic in theory but, like so many other ideas we have about love, it doesn’t happen here in the real world. Still, there is a big difference between finding yourself flattered by a cute strangers wink and asking for their phone number. So, what are some things couples can do to ensure both are on the same page, feel safe expressing their concerns and possibly even their attraction to a third party?   Read the rest of my piece here.

I wrote this for www.Divorce360.com

While interviewing for my book, “Cinderella Was a Liar,” I heard more than my fair share of tales depicting love-gone-wrong. From infidelity to financial deception, these men and women had been through the ringer and it had left many of them carrying around emotional bags filled with anger, hurt and frustration long after the offending party had moved on. We’ve been told carrying grudges can harm our health and that forgiveness is a gift bestowed by the “bigger” people but anyone who has been wronged by someone they loved and trusted knows that letting go of past hurts isn’t easy- in fact- it is one of the hardest things anyone will ever do.

When Mike*, 32, found out that his wife Debbie*, 30, cheated on him with her boss, he was devastated. “There was no way I could have prepared myself for that kind of betrayal,” he says. “I just could not imagine this woman I loved harming me in that way. I kept going over it in my mind, trying to prove myself wrong,” he says.

1. A Step toward Forgiveness:  Accept That It Happened.
Denial is a defense mechanism that can help us cope with unpleasant realities that threaten to unravel our sense of reality, ourselves and those we love. It is not uncommon for victims of betrayal  to suppress their feelings about a traumatic situation or the entire event itself. While acknowledgement can be painful, it’s also an invaluable ingredient in forgiveness.

Janet*, 29, and Amanda*, 31, had been best friends for 10 years when suddenly Janet stopped calling and ended all contact. “I was worried something had happened to her but after I checked in with mutual friends who told me she was fine; my gut instinct told me she was seeing my ex who lived in the same city as she did.” She finally confessed to me a month later.

2. A Step toward Forgiveness: Find some understanding.
Understanding how an event might have happened doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it but placing yourself in the shoes of the person who hurt you is a step toward moving on.  Instead of beating them over the head with a moral cinderblock, try and understand what they might have been dealing with, how they might have felt or what led them to make such a huge mistake. Was alcohol involved? Were they dealing with a particularly difficult situation? When have you found yourself in a similar situation? Remember that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and we don’t always handle situations the same way. Again, taking time to empathize and understand isn’t saying it was O.K, it’s simply giving you a more thorough view of the situation and might offer insight into whether or not you should trust them again.

“My ex destroyed me emotionally and though we broke up, I remained friendly and never really let him know how angry and hurt I was by his actions. Now it is seven years later and I am seething with rage and playing the victim and telling me I have no right to be upset because it was so long ago,” says Shally*, 31.

3. A Step toward Forgiveness: Communicate How You Feel Constructively.
Getting bottled-up feelings out of your system-whether on paper or through verbal communication- with the person who offended you can be a great way of releasing toxic emotions and feeling heard. If the person you are trying to forgive is still a part of your life, let them know how their offense hurt you, share your fears about the situation and the future and maybe even ask them what they might do if the roles were reversed. If you are no longer speaking to the person and simply wanting to let go of the pain and move on, write your feelings in a journal or on a piece of paper that you rip up and throw away. Repeat as often as you need to until you squeeze all of those horrible feelings and thoughts out of your system.

After Amy, 42*, left her first marriage emotionally and financially bankrupt due to her ex’s deceitful and selfish ways, she was understandably cautious about love. Three years after her divorce, she met and married a man who seemed “the polar opposite of my ex. He was compassionate, smart, trustworthy and really cared about me, or so I thought,” she said. Six months after walking down the aisle, everything changed. “I awoke one morning married to a verbally abusive monster. I divorced him but cannot understand how these men could treat me this way. I am a good person,” she said.

4. A Step toward Forgiveness: Repeat After Me, “Bad Things Happen To Good People and Good People Do Bad Things.”
Many men and women who have been hurt are searching for a “reason” that will give them the big, “Oh, I get it!” moment when, unfortunately, the reason for bad behavior is usually pretty flimsy in comparison and it often has very little to do with them at all. “I cheated on my beautiful, smart, loving wife because I was a drunk and angry man that night and I made a really stupid decision. It was not about wanting sex with the woman at the bar or her being better or sexier than my wife. She actually paled in comparison. It was not about hurting my wife, either. I didn’t even think about her until the next morning, which shows you just how selfish I was that night.  I wish I could take it back or give her a more substantial reason for hurting her so deeply but I don’t have one,” says Sam*, 40. Painful situations often feel deeply personal but the truth is; most betrayals are not fueled with a desire to hurt.

5. A Step toward Forgiveness: Accept Their Apology
Accepting someone’s apology is often more difficult than dealing with someone who never says they are sorry because the decision can be infused with so much doubt and confusion. Rebuilding trust is not an easy task and it will take the work of both parties. The betrayer will need to show how serious they are about deserving trust by never repeating the betrayal or displaying similar behaviors and the betrayed will need to curb suspicions and resist the urge to self-bash by attributing forgiveness with weakness.

6. A Step toward Forgiveness: Let Go Even If You Let Them Go.
Forgiving someone is a strong and noble thing to do and letting go of past pains unhooks your soul from the proverbial hook that is keeping you from moving on with your life. You don’t have to have the person who hurt you in your life to forgive them but if they aren’t in your life, there is an even stronger incentive to let it go. Why hold yourself back with pain and anger while they are out there living their life and moving on? You deserve the best life possible, don’t you?

TIPS FOR THOSE LOOKING TO BE FORGIVEN

Show accountability:
Blame-shifting and denial show an inability to accept full responsibility for what you have done which will enhance the betrayed parties fear that it will happen again.

Listen to their concerns without countering them:
Allow the person you have hurt to share their grievances with you without having to defend their right to be hurt and upset. Try and put yourself in their shoes and understand how difficult it might be for you to trust them again if the roles had been reversed.

Take time to understand yourself:
If you don’t understand why you did what you did, how can you avoid doing it again? Individual counseling can be a great help.

End All Contact With The Other Person:
There are no exceptions to this. The cheating spouse must establish no contact with their affair partner. Let the other person know you are sorry you have had this affair and intend to work on your marriage and do not wish to see, speak to or hear from them in any capacity from this point on.

Expect trust to take time:
Just as it would be foolish for you to give blind trust to someone who has hurt you, the person you have hurt will need time and proof from you that you are worthy of a second chance.

Support Your Spouse:
Some betrayed spouses suffer symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder and many will have mental images and “triggers” that will cause them to break down or act and react in highly emotional ways.

Understand That Everyone Is Human In This Situation:
Your cheating spouse is only a person and while he or she might want to be strong and supportive 24-7, there may be times when they are defensive, say the wrong thing and have their own triggers and breakdowns.

Don’t Make Excuses; Cheating is Never OK:
No matter what has been going on in the marriage, bringing another party into it and placing your spouses emotional, mental and physical health at risk is never an acceptable solution. Cheating is called cheating for a reason, you are cheating your partner out of the marriage you both agreed on without their consent or knowledge.

Get help:
A qualified mental health professional can be of great assistance to both parties. Marriage counseling, reading books like “Just Not Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass together and reaching out to a local clergyman, if applicable, can be extremely helpful.

Be Honest With Your Partner:
You may think holding back information is best for the union and may even want to protect your betrayed spouse from the “gory details” but rebuilding trust takes a lot of work and time and how do you think they might feel if they do the work and start to trust you again only to uncover yet another lie? Also, they have a right to know what has been going on in their marriage.

Accept Your Limitations (Betrayed):
The bottom line is that there are some couples who can work through infidelity and some who can’t and it is important that you not judge your decision or allow others to shame you for what you choose to do. Staying with someone who cheated on you does not make you weak nor does leaving. Try not to judge yourself for the decision you feel is best for you.

Don’t Involve Your Kids:
Your children love you both and see you as their mother and father and should not be privy to the details of your spouses deception or be placed in the role of confidante or counselor.

Know That Once a Cheater is Not Always a Cheater:
Yes, it is a sad reality that some cheaters will cheat again but others will learn from their mistakes and do the hard work of building a stronger moral fiber and healing the internal wounds that caused them to cheat in the first place.

Appreciate The Gift of Forgiveness
That is exactly what it is, a precious gift. Give and accept it wisely.

 Relationships expert Brenda Della Casa is a journalist and casting director who has spent the last seven years interviewing single men and women for a variety of television shows and articles. She is the author of “Cinderella Was a Liar.” See her Web site at cinderellawasaliar.com.

I will stop attaching my self-esteem to my romantic status as of right now.

I will live my life and fill it with the experiences and people I love the most, regardless of whether or not I am attached.

I will not allow anyone to place me on a timeline, not even my mother.

I will not stay in relationships that make me feel bad about myself.

I will not work to “convince” someone to be with me.

I will not participate in behaviors that are hurtful to others and demand the same for myself.

I will stop doing things to make myself feel miserable. No logging onto my ex’s facebook page, no looking at wedding dresses when I am not engaged, no going through old cards from the cad who didn’t deserve me.

I will embrace my own identity and allow someone who truly suits me to find me instead of morphing into who I think my mate or potential mate wants me to be.

I will never, ever, ever date someone who is attached or “compete” for a man/woman.

I will accept, once and for all, that beauty comes in a variety of shades and sizes and that someone out there find’s me gorgeous exactly as I am.

I will date myself often.  I will take myself for walks, for ice cream, to the movies and museums without listening to that silly, limited voice that tells me enjoying a solo flight is something to be ashamed of.

I will understand that the only think kissing toads will get me is a bad case of warts.

Studies have shown that signs of attraction can be found in another person “mirroring” your behavior.  If you’re noticing a cute someone is mimicking your movement, take it as a compliment and a sign that they are really enjoying your company.  Hoping to make someone feel a little more relaxed around you?  Mirror their movement.